This Indecision's Bugging Me
by likeasouffle
Summary: AU in which Kurt is trans. Blaine finds out by accident, freaks out a little, and asks Burt for advice.
1. Chapter 1

Blaine was walking down the halls of Dalton after breakfast, on his way to the dorms before class, when he ran into Tom, Kurt's roommate. "Hey, I'm headed that way too. Mind if I walk with you?"

As they walked they chatted politely about their classes, and their weekend plans. Tom asked how Blaine's relationship with Kurt was going. "Great! I mean, slowly but surely, you know how it is, but no complaints here. He's so great. I'm really excited to have dinner with his family next week."

Tom was just about to respond to that when he opened the door to the dorm room, and Kurt was inside, half naked, in only his pants.

"_Blaine, get out!_" A metal belt buckle thunked to the floor as Kurt's arms flew up to cross in front of his chest. He turned so his back was to the door, but Blaine could still see his face in the vanity mirror, horrified and wide-eyed.

"Kurt, I -" Blaine struggled for what to say, but his voice caught in his throat as he realized what Kurt was covering. His chest was mostly hidden by his arms, but there was no disguising the fact that he had breasts. Actual, female breasts.

"_Now!_"

Blaine stumbled out into the hallway, and Tom sent him an apologetic frown and a shrug before softly shutting him out. Blaine could hear Tom speaking on the other side of the door. "Kurt, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think. We were walking together and -" Then Kurt's more muffled voice, farther away. He couldn't make out the words.

He walked away when he heard Kurt sob.

* * *

><p>Kurt didn't show up to his first period class, and his eyes were red and puffy when he got to second period. He looked otherwise normal though. Male. Blaine tried to imagine what he wore under the layers of his uniform - under the layers of <em>all<em> his outfits - to hide his real shape. He tried to talk to him before third period, but Kurt ignored him and breezed past him as if he was in a hurry. As if they didn't normally hold hands and walk together every chance they got.

Blaine caught up with him at lunch time. "Kurt, can we just talk about it?"

"No." Kurt's chin was held high and his back was straight, but his eyes were scared, looking anywhere but at Blaine.

"C'mon, look at me, would you just -"

Kurt hissed under his breath: "_Blaine please just let me get through this day._"

Blaine backed up a step and nodded. He couldn't imagine how this tension could be easier to bear than just getting things out in the open, but if that was what Kurt needed... "Can we still go for coffee after school?"

Kurt stared straight ahead, over Blaine's shoulder, off toward the distance. "Yes." He walked away, conversation over, and never met Blaine's eyes.

* * *

><p>So Blaine let Kurt keep his distance all day, like they were fighting, then went to the coffee shop alone and ordered for both of them. Kurt arrived shortly after and slid into the seat across from him. He kept his eyes down, toward the table.<p>

Blaine took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. He waited for Kurt to start the conversation, but he didn't. Blaine said: "I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I didn't mean to."

Kurt shrugged. "It's... That's not the problem." He sipped his coffee.

"You don't need to feel embarrassed. I don't think less of you or anything."

Kurt _shook_, once, twice. He sniffed, straightened up, took another sip.

"Can you talk to me?"

Kurt's breath hitched. "I'm trans." His nostrils flared and his chin crinkled in his attempts to keep from crying.

Blaine tried to speak calmly. "You were born female? Physically I mean?"

Kurt nodded.

"So your... I mean. Your body is female, sort of, all over? Below the waist?"

Kurt blinked, and a tear dripped down his cheek. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry." Blaine reached forward to grasp Kurt's hand. "It's ok, I'm just... really confused right now. I mean, I've seen you use a urinal..."

"I have a packer."

Blaine turned his head, confused. "What -?"

Kurt struggled to breathe normally. "It's like a fake - penis - thing, with a tube..."

"I didn't even know they made those."

Kurt lowered his head and sniffled loudly.

"Are you... how long have you been - I don't know how to put this. How long have you been living as a boy?"

"Three years."

"And, is that how long you've wanted to be one?"

Kurt looked up and met his eyes, _finally_, but he was glaring. "It doesn't just randomly _start_ one day, Blaine. It's not like wanting to be a singer, or a private school student."

Blaine shook his head and rushed to take back his words. "I didn't mean that."

"This isn't a _decision_ I made. This is _who I am_."

"I'm sorry! Kurt, I didn't know, I don't know anything _about_ it."

Kurt sputtered and sobbed, and pulled his hand away from Blaine's to cover his mouth.

Blaine shook his head and frowned. "I can't believe how little I know about this. Kurt, I'm so sorry, I really want to be supportive for you, but - God I feel so ignorant. I've been reading about gay history and culture and sexuality since I was twelve. How can I not know anything about what it's like to be trans?"

Kurt suddenly laughed through his tears. At Blaine's confused reaction, he said: "I've been panicking all day thinking you were going to break up with me, and you're worried about being an inadequate boyfriend." He cried and laughed at the same time, sniffling and hiccuping awkwardly.

Blaine smiled. "Kurt, breathe. You're such a worry wart. Always assuming the worst."

Kurt picked up his napkin and wiped his eyes, and sniffled again, still laughing. "So... you're not breaking up with me?"

"Well, not yet anyway. We have that dinner to go to next week."

"Of course. You can't miss that."

"After that though, all bets are off."

Kurt shoved him and stuck out his tongue. "Jerk."

* * *

><p>They talked a lot that evening. Blaine asked a lot of questions, and Kurt gradually got less embarrassed. But Kurt was still so scared, and his feelings seemed so fragile. Blaine watched everything he said carefully, to make sure it didn't come across as a rejection of Kurt. He felt like he was walking on eggshells, trying to keep the mood light, trying to keep Kurt from crying again.<p>

After that night, things went back to normal. They held hands, and kissed, and went for coffee, and Blaine didn't bring it up again. But it was all he was thinking about. Kurt has breasts. Kurt has a vulva. One day he's going to want vaginal sex. Maybe fingering. Maybe oral. How do you even do that to a girl? (Not a girl. A person with a vagina.) Will it taste awful? How can he have sex with someone whose body doesn't turn him on? Kurt is so attractive, but that's when he's _clothed_. Sex has to involve some level of nudity, doesn't it? Will he leave his chest binding on? Will he be offended if Blaine asks him to?

On the night of the dinner, Kurt wasn't there when Blaine arrived. Burt said "He's out picking up a few things with Carole. Should be back soon."

Blaine took a seat on the couch near Burt, and pretended to watch the TV for a moment. Then he said "Mr. Hummel, could I talk to you about something? Something personal?"

"You can if you call me Burt."

"Burt." Blaine nodded. "Ok. Well. Last week I found out about Kurt's - um, I found out that he's trans."

Burt raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"By accident." Blaine blushed. "I walked in on him - changing."

Burt smirked. "That explains a lot about last week."

"The thing is, I can't tell anyone, because it's a secret, so Kurt's the only one I can talk to about it. But I can't talk to Kurt because some of my feelings about it aren't really very nice..."

Burt just looked amused. "Tell me what's on your mind. I'm not gonna tell him what you say."

"Ok." Blaine took a breath. "I'm - really happy with Kurt. There are so many things I like about him that have nothing to do with his - body." He glanced at Burt's face to make sure he wasn't angry or anything. "He has a wonderful personality, we have so many things in common, I think we're really compatible... It's just -" He paused. "I'm really not interested in female bodies. At all."

"It's my understanding you were interested in Rachel once."

"Yes. Well, that was - It's just I had never really kissed anyone before and I was kind of -"

"Drunk?"

"I _swear_ that's not a common thing for me."

"Yeah, it better not be."

Blaine swallowed hard. "Mr. Hummel, I -"

"Relax, I'm just givin' you a hard time."

Blaine laughed nervously. He licked his lips. "Like I was saying, I'm not interested in female bodies, and I wasn't expecting Kurt to have one and, well. What if I just don't like it? Once we get more intimate, I mean, once we're ready for that..."

The look on Burt's face was thoroughly unimpressed, but he didn't interrupt.

"God, I am so sorry to be talking to you about your child in this way, and I don't want to be crude. But I think the physical side of things is really important in a relationship, at least I imagine it would be, and I don't want to rush into things but I can't help thinking maybe we should try things out sooner rather than later -" Blaine turned bright red, realizing what he had just said.

Burt leaned forward, frowning, and was about to say something in response, but Blaine just kept right on going, trying to get it all out.

"Because what if we spend all this time building up this relationship, getting really invested in each other, only to find out it's not going to work out physically. Maybe we should get it over with, so we don't waste each other's time. So we can each spend this time looking for someone who will be more compatible with us in that way -"

"Ok, now you listen here." Burt pointed at Blaine's chest sternly. "Love is never a waste of time. You think if I'da' known Kurt's mom was gonna pass away like she did, that I woulda wanted to just never have known her at all? I wouldn't give up the time I had with her for _anything_. Not for a million bucks. Sure, I wish things coulda gone different, at the end, but what we had made my life _better_, not just while she was here, but after that too. And not just because of having Kurt. In lots of little ways. The way she saw the world. The things she taught me."

Blaine listened intently, and watched the way Burt's eyes softened as he spoke. Blaine started to smile.

"Listen, if you wanna break up with Kurt, that's your business, but I _know_ you're good for each other, and you make each other's lives better, so don't you dare rush into anything with him. You take it at the pace it wants to go. Whatever feels right. You work on getting to know him first. And then, when things get serious, then you'll figure out that other stuff. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If it takes a year, two years before that happens, so be it. But either way, it _won't_ be a waste of time. You hear me?"

Blaine nodded, smiling broadly. "Yes. That's - Yes, I completely understand."

"Now, as far as whether you're gonna like it, I can't tell you too much about that. But do you think Carole's with me 'cause of the way I look? When she first met me, do you think she thought I was the best lookin' guy in the world? Hell, I wasn't even the best lookin' guy in the _room_. But that's not what it's about. I know she wishes I had less of a belly. More hair on my head and less on my back. But there are way more important things in this world than whether your fantasies match up with the person you're with. You can make each other feel good, whether you really like each other's looks or not. I know Kurt having the wrong - parts, goes a bit above and beyond that, but the principal's the same. If you love somebody, there's no telling how well things can go for you. If you just give it a shot." Burt slapped a hand on Blaine's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Respect Kurt enough to give him that shot, alright?"

Blaine nodded again. "I will. I think I will. Thank you Mr. Hummel."

"Burt."

"Burt. Thank you so much for this. For listening to me. I really appreciate your advice. Kurt is so lucky to have a father as smart and as caring and as... compassionate as you."

"Don't try to kiss my ass, kid. I won't fall for it."

"All the same. Thank you."

Burt smiled. "He named himself after me, you know."

Blaine's eyes widened in surprise. "He did?"

"Well. He thought my name was kind of hokey and old-fashioned, so he changed it a bit, but..."

Just then, Carole walked through the front door, carrying a grocery bag, Kurt following close behind. Burt started to stand but Carole stopped him as she breezed through. "Don't get up! Kurt and I have it all under control. You stay out of the kitchen, mister."

Kurt stopped and smiled when he saw Blaine. "You're early!"

Blaine walked over and pressed his lips to Kurt's, taking his hand and swinging it.

"Is everything ok?" Kurt smiled and tilted his head.

"Yeah." Blaine grinned and kissed him again. "I really think it is."


	2. Chapter 2

Please note, the rating has changed from T to M. There is sexual content in this chapter.

* * *

><p>Kurt has changed a lot since he started his hormone therapy. He's not burly and hairy or anything, but his face shape has changed. It used to look younger, softer, and now it's elegant, the sharp lines of his cheekbones and chin that no one ever mistakes for feminine anymore.<p>

And exercise does things for his body now that Blaine hadn't even known he'd been missing. It's mostly dancing, and a little acrobatics on scaffoldings and monkey bars, but _wow_ , the things it's done for Kurt's arms. Before, he only got thin. Now he gets _strong_ . And Blaine _loves_it.

And the kissing, oh god, the kissing has gotten so intense in the last few months. Kurt puts _everything_ into it now, like the taste of Blaine's lips makes him forget his own name. And the _sounds_ he makes. He squirms in Blaine's lap and moans into his mouth and jerks his hips and Blaine cannot _wait_ to do it naked. He doesn't even care anymore what parts Kurt has or what the specifics are exactly. He just wants _more_. He wonders if Kurt does too.

* * *

><p>"...Yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable. So <em>I<em>can be comfortable." Blaine strokes Kurt's back and looks him up and down cheekily. "And besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order."

"Because of the layers?" Kurt asks.

"Because of the layers." Blaine leans forward, holds Kurt's face in both hands, and kisses him with a _mwah_sound.

Kurt smiles at that and sighs. "One day, I'll get top surgery. And then I won't have to wear quite so many layers."

"One day," Blaine agrees.

* * *

><p>Meeting Sebastian for coffee might not have been the best idea.<p>

"So you're a legend at Dalton."

"Well I..." Blaine blushes and tries to hide his face with his hand.

Sebastian just smirks. "Don't be modest. I was like 'I don't know who this Blaine guy is but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream. So, sucks that I missed him.'"

Blaine cannot believe what he's hearing. Did Sebastian just call him _sex on a stick_? Over the next half hour, Sebastian is suggestive, flirty. He licks his lips, looks Blaine up and down, calls him a charmer and a heartbreaker. He strokes his hand temptingly up and down his own thigh and holds Blaine's gaze while he does it.

Blaine can't stop thinking about the fact that Sebastian has a cock. He berates himself for it, it's juvenile and crude, and he should be used to the idea that yeah, pretty much all the guys he meets on a daily basis have cocks, no big deal. But the thing is, it _is_ kind of a big deal, because Kurt _doesn't_.

"I have to go. Lacrosse practice," Sebastian says. "But, could we meet again? I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler." He smiles in that way that makes Blaine's face heat up and his stomach flutter.

Blaine wants so badly to know what it's like to give a blowjob. He'll never have that with Kurt. But he could with Sebastian, and Sebastian seems like he might be... offering.

"Sure."

Blaine licks his lips, blushes, and watches Sebastian leave, still thinking about what it would be like to taste his cock.

* * *

><p>On the surface, Sebastian and Kurt aren't all that different. They're both handsome, lean, well-groomed. They even have similar hairstyles. On a purely superficial level, Sebastian is what Kurt would be if he was in the right body. Sex with him would be like sex with a one hundred percent male Kurt.<p>

Sometimes Blaine thinks about what it would be like if Kurt wasn't trans. He thinks: they probably would have at least given each other handjobs by now. He always feels ashamed of himself afterward. But he thinks about it.

* * *

><p>Blaine leaves Scandals with Kurt and a newfound sense of purpose. The bar was full of people just like him, passionate queer people, and he'd been blown away by the realization that even in a backwater place like Lima, there are so many. He wants to spend his working life with people just like that. Closeted businessmen. Lonely drag queens. Scared teenagers with nowhere to go but a <em>bar<em>they have to sneak into with fake IDs. He wants to help them, build a community, bring everyone together with music and art.

He knows he's a little tipsy. Just a little. He hopes he isn't _that_ much of a lightweight. But he doesn't think he'd feel any different sober. Everything is so exciting. He has a whole queer community around him, his future ahead of him, Kurt by his side... And the dancing was _fantastic_ . Exhilarating and so much fun. Sebastian flirted and stared all night, and Blaine just feels so _desirable_.

Surely Kurt wants him as much as Sebastian does. He's his _boyfriend_ , after all. And Blaine wants so much. He doesn't know _what_ he wants exactly, because he wants it with Kurt and the mechanics of it are... confusing. But he wants _something_ . He wants to unbutton Kurt's clothes and touch him everywhere. He wants to push Kurt down and fuck into his mouth, wet and hot and desperate. He wants to slide their bodies together, grind and rut until he comes in his pants. He grips Kurt with his fingers and tries to explain, because if he doesn't come soon he is going to _die_.

Suddenly Kurt's yelling and Blaine is frustrated and confused. He can't understand what happened to ruin this amazing evening, or why Kurt doesn't want the same things he does, or what's so wrong with just _dancing_with someone else if Kurt is the one he ends up with at the end of the night. He swears under his breath at himself and Kurt and Sebastian all the way home.

* * *

><p>Fortunately, Kurt has already forgiven him by the time Blaine apologizes. It's just a matter of making sure Blaine knows what he did wrong, and of Blaine being man enough to say how sorry he is and that he respects Kurt's desire for romance.<p>

"I want to go to your house."

* * *

><p>They make out and giggle, like they always do, but this time it's different. They take off their overshirts with an air of expectation and electricity around them.<p>

Kurt says "I've been thinking about this for a while. I bought something online that..." He blushes and cuts himself off. He shyly asks Blaine to close his eyes for a minute. "Don't peak."

"I won't."

Lying on his side on the bed, Blaine listens to the sounds of Kurt taking something out of his bag, the rustling of his clothes coming off, some metal snaps, and what could be Kurt redressing. When he opens his eyes, Kurt has laid down facing him on the bed again. They join hands. "Don't laugh."

Blaine can't see anything different about what Kurt is wearing, but doesn't want to ask what it is he's not noticing. He grins and breathes out a soft chuckle nervously.

Kurt draws himself closer and kisses Blaine again, soft, then harder, touching Blaine's chest lightly. It's good, it's _so_good, and Blaine breathes the feeling in for a moment and presses his legs toward Kurt's. Then he feels it: the outline of a stiff erection in Kurt's pants, pressed sideways toward his hip.

Blaine gasps. He reaches down to touch it with his hand. It feels so real. It makes him blush and remember his fantasies about Sebastian. And now he's having them about Kurt.

"Kurt, can I...?" He laughs. He wants to beg to suck Kurt's cock, and it's not even real. Ridiculous. But Kurt isn't laughing. His eyes are dark, his lips are parted, his breaths are deep and quick.

"Please," Kurt whispers.

Blaine rolls them so Kurt is on his back, and crawls backward down Kurt's body until he's eye level with the bulge in Kurt's jeans. He kisses it through the fabric. He strokes it with his hand, and _god_ , he's so turned on just from the _idea_of it.

When he's finally got Kurt's jeans open and has the thing in his mouth, he bucks his hips down and moans around it. It stretches his lips and Kurt thrusts in and out, gasping and pushing Blaine's head down with his hands.

Blaine has no idea why this is so good for Kurt, it's only a toy, it has no feeling, but god he can _smell_how turned on Kurt is. He's never been this close to this part of Kurt before, and it's incredible, heady, strong. Kurt arcs his body and groans "Oh god Blaine you look so good like this -"

Blaine almost laughs because he's sweaty and out of control and he's drooling all over his chin around the thickness of Kurt's cock, how can he possibly look good right now, but then Kurt moans out loud, scrabbles at Blaine's hair and thrusts _in_, pushing at Blaine's throat, and before he knows what's happening Blaine is coming in his pants, wailing and rocking against the bed.

Kurt gives him only a moment to ride out the waves of his orgasm before he's pulling him up the bed for a quick, dirty kiss, then flipping him over to straddle one of his thighs. Kurt grinds down against him, gasping against Blaine's lips and snapping his hips forward and back, hard and desperate, eyes closed, fake cock pressed between them as he whimpers and bucks and tenses.

Blaine can't believe the way Kurt looks when he comes, head thrown back, body shaking, hands desperately pulling at his own hair, and still so incredibly gorgeous. His face - his new, more angular, more masculine face - is alight with passion and animal desire, and the sounds he makes are high pitched and unrestrained. Blaine loves everything about him.

It's a little... wet, afterward, and Kurt's smell is all around them, along with the sound of his panting breaths. The stiff strap-on is getting a little uncomfortable against Blaine's hip, so he rolls them onto their sides again and wraps Kurt tight in his arms. He relaxes in Kurt's embrace feeling afterglowy and loved.

Blaine silently swears never to be ungrateful for Kurt's body again. Kurt's smile is a new one - relieved, grateful, sated - and it's just like the smile Blaine gives him in return. If this is the way sex is going to be for them, well. He could _definitely_ get used to this.


End file.
